[ The rush of emotions Merrick feels is so sudden and intense he can't begin to pick it apart. There's a strange, selfish sense of relief there, but it's quickly buried in horror and guilt and helplessness. His arms fall and he wrings his hands, and he wishes more than ever that he was better with words. ]
[ He sighs faintly and runs a hand over his face before he pushes himself up again. ]
I've meant to tell you about her for some time, but the moment never seemed right. Well... I suppose now is as good a time as any. Come with me, we need to go somewhere with better lighting.
[ Metaari motions with his head and turns to head off down the hallway. ]
[ Merrick nods and immediately follows Metaari, feeling more and more guilty for how he'd been behaving these last few days. The process of making it up starts now, so he does as he's told, though still keeping a bit of a distance between them.
Yes. Dalish. She joined the company that I was in not long after I did.
[ He turns a corner, glancing around briefly before nodding to himself. There was a fair amount of light coming in from the windows as well as a bench for him to lower himself on to. He gestures toward the spot next to him before leaning back. ]
A healer, and a damned good one at that. We were lucky to have her along with us.
[ The spot is quiet and secluded, but Merrick can hear the sounds of construction from outside. It makes their little corner even more intimate, somehow. He lowers himself down next to Metaari, close to the edge, taking up very little space. ]
That's why you thought I was her. [ He closes his eyes and shakes his head. ] I really fucked up.
[ He reaches sideways toward him, seeking for a hand and wrapping his own around it when he finds it. ]
No-- Merrick, you cannot blame yourself. You had no idea and... I didn't know the illness would take me like that. And as I understand it, the Veil was thinned. It was an unfortunate combination of events...
[ He squeezes the hand in his and glances over, hesitating. ]
We were... serious. Or as serious as I had ever been about anyone. And then we accepted that mission...
[ The rush of safety and comfort Merrick feels when Metaari holds his hand is palpable. He uncoils a little, allowing himself to take up a bit more space on the bench.
He's quiet, watching Metaari and silently assuring him to talk at whatever pace he needs to. ]
They were rogue templars. It should have been easy.
[ His eyes are closed as memory returns with his words. He can hear it again, smell it, see it.
It's awful. ]
One got a jump on me.
[ He untangles his hand from Merrick's then and stands, working the ties on his shirt open. He pulls it apart and turns, letting Merrick see the scar running down the length of his torso. ]
I should have died. But for the grace of Shavera, I lived.
[ Merrick is still quiet, but he listens raptly to Metaari's words, clinging on to every syllable. He watches as Metaari opens his shirt, then sharply inhales. For all they've done together, they've never been shirtless around one another for their own personal reasons. Now, Metaari's is right in front of him.
He reaches out and trails his fingers gently over the scar's length, his expression pained. ]
[ His hand is trembling slightly as he brings it down to cover Merrick's, keeping it pressed against his skin. ]
She was above me when it happened. Calm, even in battle, doing what she did best. And then red exploded in my vision. Her life dripped from the end of a spear point driven through her body.
[ And now it's his voice that trembles. Something... frightening passes across his face for a moment before disappearing. ]
The man who held it became nothing but pieces of a coward that were tossed into the sea. Not that it mattered. She was gone before I got my hands on him.
[ At some point Merrick had gotten to his feet, much closer to Metaari now. He feels the rumble of the other's voice against his hand, as well as the slight tremble that belies that dark look that passes over the qunari's features.
Merrick feels a sense of pride in Metaari for dispatching Shavera's killer, and he wants to vocalize it, but he knows there's something more important that needs to be said. ]
I know it now. I didn't, not for a very long time.
[ He swallows thickly as Merrick gets closer, warm and here and living and someone who is helping to drive away the ghosts from his past. His hands come up to lightly rest on Merrick's hips, his thumbs gently rubbing back and forth. ]
I loved her dearly, Merrick. I will not lie to you about that. I would have made her my wife, had I the chance. But she is no longer in my life. My love for her does not mean that I do not have the room to love you.
Edited (fucking phone tagging) Date: 2016-05-13 11:28 am (UTC)
[ Hearing that word again, this time specifically directed at him, sends Merrick reeling. He feels dizzy, like there's no ground beneath him-- but he focuses on Metaari, both hands flat against the qunari's chest in a comforting gesture. ]
[ His hands tremble slightly and he closes his eyes, taking in a slow breath. There's a moment where he doesn't want to move, doesn't want to say anymore than he already has, but this brief respite can't last forever. ]
When you were-- When death was vying to become your mistress... I knew it then, you know. That I couldn't lose you.
[ Merrick places both his hands on Metaari's wrist, leaning into the touch. He doesn't feel hurt anymore. Instead he's still suspended above ground, his heartbeat so fast he's floating.
His jaw is set, his look intense, his eyes deeply vulnerable. His heart is completely bare, fragile glass between them that could fall and break with a single touch. ]
[ His own chest aches, even while it sings for the moment. It's bittersweet, the sensation; admitting himself that it's happening again, that he's found someone. There is no replacing the past, but rather, only embracing the future.
He's sure Shavera is smiling.
Metaari strokes his thumb across Merrick's cheek, captured by that small hand, and he smiles. ]
[ The tension Merrick had been holding in his body seems to leave it all at once, to the point where he's practically leaning his weight against Metaari's hand. His eyes are closed, as if he's afraid he's dreaming and will wake at any moment.
Merrick never speaks Elvhen. He's sure if he tried it now, it would just sound strange to his own ears. That, and he doesn't want to steal away something Metaari had with Shavera. He's not her-- he'll never be her, even if he tries to measure up. So he asks again. ]
[ That earns a soft smile. Metaari brings his other hand up now so that he can cradle Merrick's face in both of them, to make sure that they're looking at each other as he says it. He wants to convey the sincerity as much as he possibly can. ]
I love you.
[ He tilts his head down a little, dropping his voice. ]
I love you, Merrick. You have taken a deadened heart and breathed new life into it. It belongs to you.
[ Merrick doesn't know if he believes in the Creators or the Maker or the whoever, but something must be at work here, because this is too good and too whole and he doesn't deserve any of it.
What has he ever done for Metaari? Nothing-- He's been a terrible burden on him, forced him to bear witness to his rage like everyone else. Merrick is not a person who can be loved; he is a charge, a responsibility, a chore. What Metaari is proposing isn't for him.
And yet...
The clouds seem to part for a moment, and suddenly he isn't battling his thoughts and sinking into the ground but lifting, and his eyes shine with it.
He's happy.
He turns his head just a little so he can kiss Metaari's palm. Then he looks back up and his lips are parted and there's longing in his eyes. ]
[ Metaari can see it. There's a shift where concern fades away to something that looks so genuine and pure. It's an amazing look for Merrick and Metaari does all that he can to capture the image and store it away. He wants to remember it; that will be the face he fights for whenever Merrick starts to slip away.
The request earns a grin and Metaari bends his knees so that he can put his arms around Merrick's legs and he stands up, lifting him up as requested. ]
[ The experience of being lifted up like a child isn't demeaning at all anymore. In fact, Merrick likes it when Metaari holds him like this. It makes him feel like he can just relax, surrender, and let himself feel safe.
His arms surround Metaari's neck and he gently smiles down at him. ]
Just like this.
[ The words are murmured before he leans down to join their lips at last. He kisses like it's his last chance to, communicating what he can't put into words in each fervent press of his lips. His breaths come out like sobs, fluttering in his throat as he trembles with the force of emotions too big for his body to handle. ]
[ It's so easy to hold him, like it's the most natural thing in the world. And maybe it is. Maybe it doesn't have to be strange and difficult. Maybe it can just be as easy as breathing.
He returns the kiss with all of the gentleness and care he can manage. Metaari doesn't want to overwhelm right now, even if his heart is on his sleeve, bared for the world to see. But it's emotive, so emotive, all of the words he's been pretending he doesn't want to say finally coming out of him. It was easy to believe that he felt that way because he was desperate for it, but...
No, it's real. It's absolutely real and beautiful and he's glad, so glad, that he can show Merrick. ]
[ For once, Merrick is content to let the kiss stay gentle and slow. He melts into Metaari's arms, content and safe, so long as they stay in this warm little pocket of the world they'd found.
He should say something back, he knows, it's just-- he hates words, he always has, and those words are difficult to say in particular. They get tangled up inside his throat, tacky and clunky and they're never enough to describe how he feels, and by the time he lets them escape he'll have already expressed himself otherwise.
Still, there has to be something he can say. He thinks of it almost immediately: what else could he say to the man that has stayed by his side even through some of the ugliest times of his life?
Once he feels he can break away he lets their lips separate, but he stays close, so they're nose to nose. His hands are on either side of Metaari's face, thumbs gently caressing it-- and for the first time in years, he switches to the language he has actively resisted for most of his life. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 06:35 am (UTC)I'm so sorry.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 06:38 am (UTC)[ He sighs faintly and runs a hand over his face before he pushes himself up again. ]
I've meant to tell you about her for some time, but the moment never seemed right. Well... I suppose now is as good a time as any. Come with me, we need to go somewhere with better lighting.
[ Metaari motions with his head and turns to head off down the hallway. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 06:41 am (UTC)As they walk, he risks another question. ]
So...she was an elf?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 06:44 am (UTC)[ He turns a corner, glancing around briefly before nodding to himself. There was a fair amount of light coming in from the windows as well as a bench for him to lower himself on to. He gestures toward the spot next to him before leaning back. ]
A healer, and a damned good one at that. We were lucky to have her along with us.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 06:48 am (UTC)That's why you thought I was her. [ He closes his eyes and shakes his head. ] I really fucked up.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 06:56 am (UTC)No-- Merrick, you cannot blame yourself. You had no idea and... I didn't know the illness would take me like that. And as I understand it, the Veil was thinned. It was an unfortunate combination of events...
[ He squeezes the hand in his and glances over, hesitating. ]
We were... serious. Or as serious as I had ever been about anyone. And then we accepted that mission...
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 07:00 am (UTC)He's quiet, watching Metaari and silently assuring him to talk at whatever pace he needs to. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 07:06 am (UTC)[ His eyes are closed as memory returns with his words. He can hear it again, smell it, see it.
It's awful. ]
One got a jump on me.
[ He untangles his hand from Merrick's then and stands, working the ties on his shirt open. He pulls it apart and turns, letting Merrick see the scar running down the length of his torso. ]
I should have died. But for the grace of Shavera, I lived.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 07:12 am (UTC)He reaches out and trails his fingers gently over the scar's length, his expression pained. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-12 07:16 am (UTC)She was above me when it happened. Calm, even in battle, doing what she did best. And then red exploded in my vision. Her life dripped from the end of a spear point driven through her body.
[ And now it's his voice that trembles. Something... frightening passes across his face for a moment before disappearing. ]
The man who held it became nothing but pieces of a coward that were tossed into the sea. Not that it mattered. She was gone before I got my hands on him.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-13 06:56 am (UTC)Merrick feels a sense of pride in Metaari for dispatching Shavera's killer, and he wants to vocalize it, but he knows there's something more important that needs to be said. ]
It's not your fault.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-13 11:10 am (UTC)[ He swallows thickly as Merrick gets closer, warm and here and living and someone who is helping to drive away the ghosts from his past. His hands come up to lightly rest on Merrick's hips, his thumbs gently rubbing back and forth. ]
I loved her dearly, Merrick. I will not lie to you about that. I would have made her my wife, had I the chance. But she is no longer in my life. My love for her does not mean that I do not have the room to love you.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-14 04:08 am (UTC)I-- I'm glad you trusted me with this.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-14 05:01 am (UTC)[ His hands tremble slightly and he closes his eyes, taking in a slow breath. There's a moment where he doesn't want to move, doesn't want to say anymore than he already has, but this brief respite can't last forever. ]
When you were-- When death was vying to become your mistress... I knew it then, you know. That I couldn't lose you.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-14 05:24 am (UTC)[ He understands what that means now. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-15 05:53 am (UTC)[ He brings a hand up, lightly cupping Merrick's face as he looks down at him. ]
In my sickness, I hurt you. I know enough to see that. But the words, I--
[ A pause, and a tremble. ]
--I would say them anyway. If you would let me.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-16 04:00 am (UTC)His jaw is set, his look intense, his eyes deeply vulnerable. His heart is completely bare, fragile glass between them that could fall and break with a single touch. ]
Say it.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-16 04:31 am (UTC)He's sure Shavera is smiling.
Metaari strokes his thumb across Merrick's cheek, captured by that small hand, and he smiles. ]
Ar lath ma, Merrick.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-16 06:16 am (UTC)Merrick never speaks Elvhen. He's sure if he tried it now, it would just sound strange to his own ears. That, and he doesn't want to steal away something Metaari had with Shavera. He's not her-- he'll never be her, even if he tries to measure up. So he asks again. ]
The other way now.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-16 02:02 pm (UTC)I love you.
[ He tilts his head down a little, dropping his voice. ]
I love you, Merrick. You have taken a deadened heart and breathed new life into it. It belongs to you.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-17 05:28 am (UTC)What has he ever done for Metaari? Nothing-- He's been a terrible burden on him, forced him to bear witness to his rage like everyone else. Merrick is not a person who can be loved; he is a charge, a responsibility, a chore. What Metaari is proposing isn't for him.
And yet...
The clouds seem to part for a moment, and suddenly he isn't battling his thoughts and sinking into the ground but lifting, and his eyes shine with it.
He's happy.
He turns his head just a little so he can kiss Metaari's palm. Then he looks back up and his lips are parted and there's longing in his eyes. ]
Would you lift me up so I can kiss you?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-18 01:02 am (UTC)The request earns a grin and Metaari bends his knees so that he can put his arms around Merrick's legs and he stands up, lifting him up as requested. ]
Like this?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-18 07:33 am (UTC)His arms surround Metaari's neck and he gently smiles down at him. ]
Just like this.
[ The words are murmured before he leans down to join their lips at last. He kisses like it's his last chance to, communicating what he can't put into words in each fervent press of his lips. His breaths come out like sobs, fluttering in his throat as he trembles with the force of emotions too big for his body to handle. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-23 06:22 am (UTC)He returns the kiss with all of the gentleness and care he can manage. Metaari doesn't want to overwhelm right now, even if his heart is on his sleeve, bared for the world to see. But it's emotive, so emotive, all of the words he's been pretending he doesn't want to say finally coming out of him. It was easy to believe that he felt that way because he was desperate for it, but...
No, it's real. It's absolutely real and beautiful and he's glad, so glad, that he can show Merrick. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-24 04:50 am (UTC)He should say something back, he knows, it's just-- he hates words, he always has, and those words are difficult to say in particular. They get tangled up inside his throat, tacky and clunky and they're never enough to describe how he feels, and by the time he lets them escape he'll have already expressed himself otherwise.
Still, there has to be something he can say. He thinks of it almost immediately: what else could he say to the man that has stayed by his side even through some of the ugliest times of his life?
Once he feels he can break away he lets their lips separate, but he stays close, so they're nose to nose. His hands are on either side of Metaari's face, thumbs gently caressing it-- and for the first time in years, he switches to the language he has actively resisted for most of his life. ]
Ma serannas, emma lath. For everything.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: