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[dalishious]

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[metaari]

[ It's easy to tell that he's being avoided. Ever since he was able to finally crawl his way out of the healers' tent and back into normal society, he's seen neither hide nor hair of Merrick--at least, no more than just enough to see said hair turn and head in the absolute opposite direction from him.

There's a bit of maneuvering involved, but Metaari finally manages to get behind Merrick when he enters a room with only one exit and he fills the doorway with his large frame, arms folded over his chest. ]

Merrick.

[dalishious]

[ Funnily enough, it's the room Merrick has been brewing his hooch, and he's well prepared to spin around with his dagger drawn when he hears the voice.

It was only a matter of time. A few days ago, before everything happened with Cyril, he'd be panicked right now. But as it is, he just turns around and faces Metaari, arms immediately curling around himself protectively. ]

Hey.

[metaari]

[ The gesture makes Metaari frown and he wants to reach out to him, to place a hand on Merrick's shoulder with concern, but he refrains. Instead he drops his arms down to his sides and lets out a breath, letting his gaze express his concern instead. ]

What is it, Merrick? Why have you been avoiding me?

[ May as well get to the point. ]

[dalishious]

[ The lump in Merrick's throat is horrible, heavy, and the room seems small and stifling. He wants to run away, but Metaari is right for confronting this head on. It was just like him and Cyril. It can't just be hidden away forever.

So he relents. ]

Where is she?

[metaari]

[ Confusion flits across his face at the question and he furrows his brow, tipping his head in thought. She? Who could he possibly be talking about? ]

She?

[dalishious]

The woman you were talking to, when you had the fever. You called me by her name.

[ He can't meet Metaari's eyes. It's so difficult for him to speak. He wishes he could just pull out his heart and show Metaari the hurt that is etched there. ]

You-- you said you loved her. In Elvhen. Only-- you said it to me. [ Words he's wanted to hear, has dreamed of hearing, spoken at him. Not to him. Never to him. ]

[metaari]

[ Something in him goes cold, as though he's been suddenly plunged into ice water. The color drains from his face and the world seems to swim in front of him. There's only one woman he would have ever said those words to. Had his illness really driven him so far? ]

Shavera...

[ He very nearly whispers the name, the sound barely able to leave him, and he leans heavily against the door frame. His eyes cast aside as he looks away, trying to calm himself. ]

She is... gone. Eight years past.

[dalishious]

[ Finally Merrick looks at him, startled. ]

She's...dead?

[metaari]

[ He just nods slightly, turning to lean his back against the door, his eyes closing. ]

Yes.

[dalishious]

[ The rush of emotions Merrick feels is so sudden and intense he can't begin to pick it apart. There's a strange, selfish sense of relief there, but it's quickly buried in horror and guilt and helplessness. His arms fall and he wrings his hands, and he wishes more than ever that he was better with words. ]

I'm so sorry.

[metaari]

It's fi-- I've had my time to grieve.

[ He sighs faintly and runs a hand over his face before he pushes himself up again. ]

I've meant to tell you about her for some time, but the moment never seemed right. Well... I suppose now is as good a time as any. Come with me, we need to go somewhere with better lighting.

[ Metaari motions with his head and turns to head off down the hallway. ]

[dalishious]

[ Merrick nods and immediately follows Metaari, feeling more and more guilty for how he'd been behaving these last few days. The process of making it up starts now, so he does as he's told, though still keeping a bit of a distance between them.

As they walk, he risks another question. ]

So...she was an elf?

[metaari]

Yes. Dalish. She joined the company that I was in not long after I did.

[ He turns a corner, glancing around briefly before nodding to himself. There was a fair amount of light coming in from the windows as well as a bench for him to lower himself on to. He gestures toward the spot next to him before leaning back. ]

A healer, and a damned good one at that. We were lucky to have her along with us.

[dalishious]

[ The spot is quiet and secluded, but Merrick can hear the sounds of construction from outside. It makes their little corner even more intimate, somehow. He lowers himself down next to Metaari, close to the edge, taking up very little space. ]

That's why you thought I was her. [ He closes his eyes and shakes his head. ] I really fucked up.

[metaari]

[ He reaches sideways toward him, seeking for a hand and wrapping his own around it when he finds it. ]

No-- Merrick, you cannot blame yourself. You had no idea and... I didn't know the illness would take me like that. And as I understand it, the Veil was thinned. It was an unfortunate combination of events...

[ He squeezes the hand in his and glances over, hesitating. ]

We were... serious. Or as serious as I had ever been about anyone. And then we accepted that mission...

[dalishious]

[ The rush of safety and comfort Merrick feels when Metaari holds his hand is palpable. He uncoils a little, allowing himself to take up a bit more space on the bench.

He's quiet, watching Metaari and silently assuring him to talk at whatever pace he needs to. ]

[metaari]

They were rogue templars. It should have been easy.

[ His eyes are closed as memory returns with his words. He can hear it again, smell it, see it.

It's awful. ]

One got a jump on me.

[ He untangles his hand from Merrick's then and stands, working the ties on his shirt open. He pulls it apart and turns, letting Merrick see the scar running down the length of his torso. ]

I should have died. But for the grace of Shavera, I lived.

[dalishious]

[ Merrick is still quiet, but he listens raptly to Metaari's words, clinging on to every syllable. He watches as Metaari opens his shirt, then sharply inhales. For all they've done together, they've never been shirtless around one another for their own personal reasons. Now, Metaari's is right in front of him.

He reaches out and trails his fingers gently over the scar's length, his expression pained. ]

[metaari]

[ His hand is trembling slightly as he brings it down to cover Merrick's, keeping it pressed against his skin. ]

She was above me when it happened. Calm, even in battle, doing what she did best. And then red exploded in my vision. Her life dripped from the end of a spear point driven through her body.

[ And now it's his voice that trembles. Something... frightening passes across his face for a moment before disappearing. ]

The man who held it became nothing but pieces of a coward that were tossed into the sea. Not that it mattered. She was gone before I got my hands on him.

[dalishious]

[ At some point Merrick had gotten to his feet, much closer to Metaari now. He feels the rumble of the other's voice against his hand, as well as the slight tremble that belies that dark look that passes over the qunari's features.

Merrick feels a sense of pride in Metaari for dispatching Shavera's killer, and he wants to vocalize it, but he knows there's something more important that needs to be said. ]

It's not your fault.

[metaari]

I know it now. I didn't, not for a very long time.

[ He swallows thickly as Merrick gets closer, warm and here and living and someone who is helping to drive away the ghosts from his past. His hands come up to lightly rest on Merrick's hips, his thumbs gently rubbing back and forth. ]

I loved her dearly, Merrick. I will not lie to you about that. I would have made her my wife, had I the chance. But she is no longer in my life. My love for her does not mean that I do not have the room to love you.

[dalishious]

[ Hearing that word again, this time specifically directed at him, sends Merrick reeling. He feels dizzy, like there's no ground beneath him-- but he focuses on Metaari, both hands flat against the qunari's chest in a comforting gesture. ]

I-- I'm glad you trusted me with this.

[metaari]

I would trust you with everything, Merrick.

[ His hands tremble slightly and he closes his eyes, taking in a slow breath. There's a moment where he doesn't want to move, doesn't want to say anymore than he already has, but this brief respite can't last forever. ]

When you were-- When death was vying to become your mistress... I knew it then, you know. That I couldn't lose you.

[dalishious]

I remember you saying that. That you couldn't lose me too.

[ He understands what that means now. ]

[metaari]

And it's still true.

[ He brings a hand up, lightly cupping Merrick's face as he looks down at him. ]

In my sickness, I hurt you. I know enough to see that. But the words, I--

[ A pause, and a tremble. ]

--I would say them anyway. If you would let me.